Great Western Coffee Shop

Firemen have become fire fighters but what is the current, non-gendered term for signalman? I can think of some possibilities, such as:
Signal operator
Signalist
Signalling & Track Allocation Rail Technician
Signalling & Train Operation Permissions
etc...

But in reality?

Signaller?

Yup.

https://nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/job-profiles/railway-signaller

I prefer signallist! (Next question: what about milkman? :D)

Roundsperson. Next?

https://nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/job-profiles/roundsperson (https://nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/job-profiles/roundsperson)

At least we don't suffer the absurdity of assigning gender to nouns: in France, le médecin is a doctor, whilst la médecine is medicine. A female doctor is un (note: masculine, to agree with the noun!) femme médecin.

Suddenly roundsperson doesn't seem so clunky...

Whereas German, IIRC, uses suffixes to create male or female nouns in job situations.* And Polish gives you both options: a female doctor can be lekarka or pani lekarz, and if you use the latter it would be natural to use feminine verbs and adjectives despite lekarz being a masculine noun (pani = femme, more or less).

*And of course neuter girls, cos of the suffix -chen. I think that's actually a Latin hangover.

My deceased father was a master butcher and ran his own retail business. Many years ago when supervisors first started to become 'managers' and 'Personnel Departments' became 'Human Resources' he wondered whether he could reclassify himself as a Carcase Director...

I still remember the first time I saw a Lady Policeman in Oldham...

You have travelled widely. Was it not Bangkok ?  :o

I have not (yet) been further east than the border between Israel and Jordan (or with Syria if that is further east). But I did once tell Mrs FT, N! that I would have taken her to North Korea had I not heard that the bed springs in the hotels were of a poor quality and made an odd noise.
"Pyongyang?" she asked. "Exactly that" I answered.

He's here all week!

As she didn't fancy a fortnight's self-catering in the land of Kim Wrong 'Un, I suggested instead a visit to Périgueux, although I had heard that the region's bed springs also made a strange noise.
"Dordogne?" she asked.
"That's the one," I replied, whilst reaching for my coat.

Person 1: Me and my wife went on Holiday to Wales.
Person 2: Bangor?
Person 1: Mind your own business.

I already have my coat on with this very oldie but goodie

" My wife's gone to the Carribbean!"
"Jamaica ?"
"No, she went of her own accord"

I've just seen a very cheap deal for a trip to Thailand.

So I thought, Phuket, I'll go.

Our family had a holiday in Wales this year.
Caernarfon?
No, North Pembrokeshire. It was really nice actually.

Son:  Where does mum want to go on holiday this year.
Father: I'll ask her.
Son: I'd rather go somewhere nearer and warmer if you don't mind.

I was recently diagnosed as having insomnia.  It's ok though, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

And this variant actually happened:

My nephew, at a family gathering:
"I have the chance of going to the South Pacific with work. I'm taking my girlfriend".
My brother (it's genetic):
"Are you going to Tonga?"
As it happened, they were, and had a jolly good time.

Meanwhile, in England:
Father: "Son, you grandmother has exhibited early signs of Parkinsons Disease in Cheshire."
Son: "Nantwich?"
Father: "Several times, son."

Me: "I had an unfortunate incident with my zipper when using the public toilets in Henry VIII's London palace."
Friend: "Hampton Court?"
Me: "Yes, and yes."

Meanwhile...
Friend: There's been a terrible incident in Warwickshire involving the Mother Superior and an escaped crocodile.
Me: Nuneaton?
Friend: Everything bar the wimple.

A young lad, Jake, has been left in charge of the family farm for the day, whilst the rest of the household have gone to the market. A neighbour calls.

"Jake, is you father in ?"
" No he is away all day at the market, can I help you instead ?"
" Well, it is a bit delicate, I really ought to have a private word with your dad"
Jake replies "It is alright, I am sure dad wont mind, I know where everything is kept, if you need to borrow a tool or anything"

Neighbour hesitated a bit and then comes out with "well you see, it is about your older brother Sam, he has gotton my daughter, Maisie pregnant !"

Jack thinks for a bit, and replies "well, I know that dad charges £50 for the bull, and £10 for the boar, and £5 for the ram. But I don't know what he charges for Sam, just leave what you think is fair and I will keep it safe for dad."

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog in heaven.

Last week he went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

A respectable lady lives alone in an upstairs flat, with a pet cat. In time the belly of the cat becomes swollen, and the lady fears that the animal is sick and sends for the vet.

The vet examines the cat and says "she is in fine health, but expecting kittens, probably in about 3 weeks"
The lady exclaims in surprise and states "the cat can not possibly be pregnant, she never goes outside or sees another cat"
The vet glances around the room and replies "what about that tom cat under the arm chair, perhaps he is the father"

Reply "don't be silly, that is her brother"

Lots of coats seem to have disappeared...

A mate of mine came around the other evening
So I invited him to stay for a bite of supper
Halfway through the meal we were talking when
He said I don't much care for your Mother in Law
I said that's OK just eat the chips & peas !

I've got my coat ......see you later.

Meanwhile, I asked this gymnastics instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.
He asked "How flexible are you?"
I told him "I can't do Tuesdays".

My Wife went to visit her aged grandfather in his old folks home
As she was leaving yesterday evening the nurse came around with the drugs trolley,
And gave the old chap a sleeping tablet and some viagra,
Now my wife being a nurse has a good working knowledge of drugs ,and so asked the nurse Why the cocktail of tablets?
That's easy she replied the sleeping tablets send him off to sleep
And the viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed !.

Wasn't there an Italian footballer called Viagra? IIRC, he was noted for his sliding tackle....

Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that 'brown bread' was better than 'white bread'..

They were hovis witnesses.

A lot of women turn into good drivers…

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women who are turning.

Good news for insomniacs!

Only 10 sleeps until Christmas!

Is this the joke thread? I've got one:

GWR.

Chap goes to the bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives him one.

Bloke walks into a bar.

Barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

My wife asked why I had some bones simmering in a pot full of water on the cooker. I just gave her a stock answer.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

An acquaintance of mine told me he went to this years Notting Hill Festival and met a nice young lady of ethnic origins. At the end of the evening she asked him if he was going to walk her home. He replied, ' WHAT, I didn't think you could walk all the way to the Caribbean from here'

A white horse walks into a bar, and to the surprise of the barman orders a small lager and lime and a packet of crisps. The barman, trying to make conversation, says "We serve a brand of whiskey named after you, sir." The white horse answers "You have a whiskey called Eric?"

Its not my fault I have a double-chin...

When God was giving out chins..

I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

Ken: I'm rostered as conductor on the Aberdare...

Bill: I thought I was, but I must be Maesteg, Ken.

RIP Jamiroquai

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CMHQjHNW8AAeniM.jpg)

LOL!  ;D

If you've never seen it, and you love movie thrillers with brilliant surprise endings, try Tinker Tailor Soldier Colin Firth.

Railway joke, said to be a genuine letter from a customer.
Due to worsening overcrowding, some morning rush hour trains had been made longer. Letter from customer.

"Whilst I am glad to see that extra carriages have at last been provided, why did you put the extra carriages at the back of the train ? Surely the FRONT of the train should have been lengthened as that is the busy end."

And one that I have actually seen* the letter !

"Dear Sir, please instruct your drivers to park closer to the platform. Sometimes they leave a large gap, down which a child or elderly person could fall"
Addressed to the station master at Woking.

*A breach of data protection rules no doubt.

"Apparently, you can fly from Lulsgate to west Africa now!"
"Kenya?"
"As long as you don't mind changing at Schiphol."

Pedant mode on:

Kenya is East Africa.

Pedant mode off.

CfN.  ;)

Laze and gemmen, introducing Mr and Mrs Bennett-Doncha-Knowyereastfromiour-West, and their son Gordon.

I even double-checked on Google Maps...

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.

If I was a plastic surgeon...

I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

Have I posted my déjà vu joke?

Not sure. I don't believe in reincarnation, although I did in a previous life.

Shall we leave it to the experts?

 Here? (https://youtu.be/0QVPUIRGthI)

I bought the Christmas tree today.

The sales assistant asked, "Will you be putting it up yourself?"

"No." I replied. "In the corner of the living room like everyone else."

Isn't that something you have to do with a baby's nappy?  ::)

I used to be a plastic surgeon.

That raised a few eyebrows.

Me: "Waiter, I'd like some mineral water please".
Waiter : "Do you want it still, sir?"
Me: "No. Get me a beer."

Engineer to students: The device on the locomotive roof is called a pantograph...

Student: but a pantograph is a drawing instrument!

Engineer (thinks quickly): That's right!... the train draws current through it.

Hedgehogs, why not just share the hedge?

A couple of gloomy railway managers at the bar:

GWR manager: I'm avoiding Bristol - passengers are angry we can't get conductors in our trains there.

NR manager: No kidding! We can't get conductors above your trains either!

If you've never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

I see what you did there - very topical!

Meanwhile, as the soup is served in a restaurant I haven't visited before:

Waiter: "Would you like a knob of butter in your soup, sir?"
Me: "There's no need to go to all that trouble. A simple lump will do."

From Father Ted:
Ted: "Dougal, would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight pieces?"
Dougal: "Oh, six please Ted. I couldn't manage eight pieces."

Or Father Dougal, rushing into the room reading a newspaper:
"Ted! Ted! Clint Eastwood has been arrested and put on trial for a crime he didn't... oh, wait, it's a fillum."

I'm reminded of a classic Father Ted moment.

Dave - I'm going to visit an old mate of mine tomorrow, he lives in a village just north of Cardiff

John - Taffs Well?

Dave - I didn't know he was ill

Sandra: "Are you going to the Saracen's Head tonight?"
Seb: "No, the Lansdown"
Sandra: "Dammit, I told them that old Token Ring kit wasn't long for this world..."

I tried to log onto their wi-fi and it told me I needed a password of eight characters.

So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Me (or possibly my son): "My parents are in India, where a street urchin offered to sell them "feelthy peectures""
Friend: "Mumbai?"
Me (or possibly son): "No, but Dad took a dozen."

I once knew a fellow whose birth name was Richard Cranium. He openly admitted he had a 'Calamity Jayne' streak in him but could never understand why everyone nicknamed him Dick Head.

Mark Hopwood MD of First GWR and Andy Cooper MD of Cross Country were being interviewed for a broadcast.

Interviewer: Well gentlemen, what are you going to do to improve services?

Mark Hopwood: Well, we are going to have a look at current issues, view the recourses available to us and take measured a approach to gradually improve on areas of concern over the next few years. We hope that bit by bit we start to iron out these problems a little at a time.

Interviewer: And what will Cross Country do?

Andy Cooper: We'll, in the next 6 month we'll introduce 200 mph trains on all lines, reduce fares by 50% and provide free catering. All our services will guarantee complimentary forward taxi travel to the passenger's destination from our stations and we will cut carbon emissions by 99%.

Interviewer: Isn't that a bit far fetched?

Andy Cooper: Well, Mark started it!

"I was thinking of following grahame's example by nipping up to Scotland to take some close-up photos of endangered stations. To help me blend in, I'll wear my kilt - without underwear, of course"
"Wide angle?"
"Why? Well it may get a bit breezy around the Trossachs, but it's the traditional way I'm told"

Which leads us neatly to the time-honoured:

"Is anything worn under the kilt Mr. McSquirrel?"

"No madam, it's all in perfect working order..."

I almost lost a computer monitor to that. ;D ;D ;D Must make a mental reminder not to read this thread whilst drinking anything.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

My young godson came to see me for tea this afternoon
He'd been out for the morning with his mum
She had taken him to the new zoo which had just opened in town
So I said ,did you enjoy your visit ?
Not much came his reply
They only had one animal on show and that was a dog
It's a shih tsu.

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

A Somerset Highways warning said anyone travelling in icy and snowy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.

I looked a right idiot on the Minehead bus this morning.