Great Western Coffee Shop

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year - however you spend them and whatever makes you merry - to all members, lurkers, casual readers, and to the moderator and admin team who have done so much for the forum over the year. THANK YOU - you are the people who make the forum.

This year has seen the majority of longer distance services switch from HST to IET, electric operation extend outwards from London as far as Swindon, and Thames Turbos take over most services on a number of routes out of and based at Bristol.  We have seen a record level of major engineering stoppages, including the Berks and Hants for 50 days, Bristol Temple Meads for a major public holiday weekend, and Filton Bank and the Severn Beach line for a major period while 2 tracks were increased back up to 4.   All of these changes - and their teething troubles and side effects, and member's views on the current and potential future changes have helped us keep a very active forum.  But actually I suspect that the forum would and will remain active long after these works and the lesser program for next year are completed.

My personal interest in rail has been sparked by the TransWilts line and the need for an appropriate service for passengers between Westbury and Swindon, and the intermediate towns of Trowbridge, Melksham and Chippenham. From an unusable (to all intents and purposes) service that was running up to 5 years ago, "we" have moved to a thin but usable service now - one with significant gaps as the single train shuttles up and down trying to be all things to all men and women, and ceasing mid-evening because that's when funding for driver and conductor shifts runs out.  Passenger numbers announced a couple of weeks ago were disappointing - but did not come as a shock.   It's simply not possible to grow traffic when your train is so full and standing that the train manager has to walk along the outside, knocking on the windows and indicating to passengers to squeeze up in the aisle, nor will traffic grow when you have a very high cancellation rate due to [[[ well - whatever the cause ]]] and lots of trains replaced by buses which, being slower, abysmally fail to connect.  I'm actually surprised that we've done as well as we have.  Looking forward to the next set of figures - to be published December 2019 - I anticipate a performance which once again may have a lower growth rate than we would like to see, but never the less is good compared to other places around.  Much of this reduced forecast is due to what's happened already - we've lost the best part of 50 days through Newbury engineering works and are set to loose a further 12 over Christmas and the New Year, and although reliability has somewhat improved of late, there are still multiple days almost every week where multiple services are lost.

Looking forward to 2019, though, TransWilts things have improved for the future.  The one car trains (which we dearly loved because they provided us that vital foothold back on to the track of a passenger service) have been replaced by 2 and 3 car trains which have the capacity for growth, and at times they are running there are already indications that the growth has indeed started - the trains may look quiet, but count the passengers and they would no longer fit - even uncomfortably - into a single 153.  The platform at Melksham (along with one at Trowbridge and both at Dilton Marsh) have been lengthened to make operation much easier - no longer do trains of over 1 carriage have to pass dozens of passengers though a single door at Melksham.  And the new trains can be timed for a 90 mph top speed rather that 75 mph - at this point making the service a better timekeeper, but with speed up potential once the reliability is back on target.

The TransWilts Community Rail Partnership that's supported the TransWilts in its early growth has changed too. A new Community Rail Officer, paid for longer hours and with a professional background has replaced the previous incumbent - "part of our restructuring to increase the future effectiveness of our CRP" says chair Paul Johnson in his press release. Personally, I would agree the need for a change in skills as an organisation moves from being a community start-up to a more traditional CRP with a board entirely of current and past local government representatives, but I would have changed the word "increase" to "ensure". The development with a team with professional fund raising, marketing, graphic art, people and organisational training is logical, but I don't share the view that the previous team was ineffective. Just look at the 2013 to 2018 growth compared to the 2001 to 2006 growth when an increased service was last tried. I look forward to seeing significant activity and excellent results from the TransWilts CRP through 2019, and that with local community partnership help which I hope they will embrace once they get their restructuring fully operational.

Melksham remains a special case. Unique amongst stations in the area, passenger numbers are not in a "steady state" for the area served; passenger journeys per annum per head of population remain abysmal.  The train service remains poor in frequency and reliability. The station access and facilities aren't great - the longer platform is just one step.  And for the first new years of the "trial" service, people could not commit long term to it, in case it didn't make the grade.  Onward service beyond Westbury is largely by way of connection - and some connections remain very poor indeed.  Through services - probably to Southampton atone end and perhaps to Oxford at the other, and an increase to an hourly service would (or rather will) do wonders.  And with this very local and gappy service that's hardly been reliable, there remains a lack of it being part of the daily lives of as many people as it should in the community, and with a need for the old traditional Community Rail treatment thats worked so well so far and elsewhere, but which is somewhat being superseded by the DfT's new community rail strategy which the TransWilts CRP is embracing.  Being room for both approaches, expect to see much more in 2019 from the Melksham Rail User Group - which has been around for over 20 years, predating TransWilts, with marketing and events of its own at least once a year.  Their web site - with a fresh lick of paint - is at http://www.mrug.org.uk and there's a Facebook page and Twitter feed too.

The Coffee Shop has been around for a dozen years, and we've had discussions this autumn about the way forward. The outcome of a CCIF grant bid to look at putting us on to a stable footing for the next dozen years is awaited, and (yes) a "risk assessment" has been done to ask "what if we don't get the funding".  Over Christmas as the New Year, major site work is planned and I'm hopeful but not guaranteeing a new look for the new year, with software that's robust for the next decade rather that relying on deprecated software. Fortunately, I have a parallel server and an ability to step back / carry on as need be if it doesn't work well - unlike our friends in the railway industry who only have a single pathway available to them and are only able to work on the pathway in a very disruptive manner.

Over the last years, I have travelled quite widely to rail meetings and events; just in the last few months I've started looking around and noting who's a coffee shop member and / or reader.  And I've noted that you (our members / lurkers) are present in noticeable proportion - say 10% to 15% - at meetings around the region.  We clearly fill many gaps, and as we look forward with our new constitution(al) plans, we need to look at the cohesive whole, the whole picture as far as being strong advocates of public transport and encouraging both current and future passenger support and provision working within the current system as well as looking to help tune that system to help the passenger, and new / potential passenger too.   All sounds very much like community rail as many of the team have done it in Wiltshire until now, but on a wider scale, doesn't it?   The DfT's move from designation to accreditation of bodies come next April provides the potential for our body, when constituted, to be a forerunner in this area.  And that will absolutely be additional strings to the bow, which will support the ongoing forum activities.  Personally and family wise we are slowing down a little - the effects of time, but also a couple of clouds on the horizon, which we hope we will be able to help blow over. Part of the reason for the changes is to help ensure that the forum and other activities are not tied to or limited by the time taken with dealing with these issues.

2019 will be a different year to 2018, I'm sure, on transport too.  And everything looks like it's falling into place for both the rail industry, the local group in Melksham, the Coffee Shop, and others to start reaping the benefits of the investments we've all made this year and before, for the ongoing passenger benefits - and not limiting only to GWR's trains but other trains and buses in the area too - connectional and indeed separate journeys. i

The Coffee Shop will remain online over Christmas and the holiday period.  We have a service on 25th and 26th December, even if the trains and buses don't.  There may be some short breaks (I'll try to warn ahead), especially in the early hours, and I would recommend that you keep copies of major posts you make just in case I have to revert to backups once or twice - teething problems on software change are not unknown, just as they're not unknown on the railways.

Lisa and I, Gypsy and Billy, kids and grandkids are celebrating Christmas tomorrow rather than on 25th ... major work today to make the home child-proof. Whenever and however you celebrate, have a good one, and thank you for all your inputs and help over the year and years, and in anticipation of years to come. 

See you ... in the new year, if not before!  This forum is, truly, 24×7.

And a Merry Christmas to you and family, Grahame and to all other forum members too.

Grahame. perhaps you should change your forum sign in name for 2019 and subsequently to 'Double Track The Trans Wilts Line Through Melksham Now'.

Grahame,
Thank you for all the hard work you put in behind the scenes.
Merry Christmas to you, your family and fellow coffeeshop members / lurkers.

Yes, and a Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to all on here, sent by telegraph from a Signal Linemans Hut somewhere in the far Southwest.... ;)

Merry Christmas Grahame et al. from darkest Oxfordshire and best wishes to you and all for 2019

OI! Your pinching my idea, I was the one who decided on two tracks for Melksham, I seem to remember.

And now we need to tell Network Rail to make a start in the new year, It would be completed by July.

And a merry Christmas from me, Network Rail and Great Western railway.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, don't let it spoil your festivities.

Which year ?

2019 I would hope.

Not looking forward to Christmas as in 4 weeks time I have to move again, end of tenancy, Look for somewhere else, And letting agents are a pain, Needing six months upfront.

Steady now!

Merry Christmas, grahame, may your train be always on time, and may you never lose your loose change down the side of the seat (if you can get one)!

Merry Christmas grahame and every other member of the forum. Let’s hope 2019 will be more reliable and peformance is back up!

I have spent four days and one hour online since I joined mid this year.. gosh I need to get out more  ;)

Hello!, Mine is 3 days and 15 hours and 39 minutes.

I passed a month some time back (simper, simper). Must get out one day.

A merry Christmas Graham and thanks for all your hard work over the years, both on this forum and on Trans-Wilts.  Without you it may not have happened.  However I will never get those 67+ days I have spent on Coffeshop back, and at my age that is quite worrying.

To One and All.  Thank you for entertaining and enlightening me over the years.
My wife has often remarked on the amount of time I spend on here.
Wouldn't have it any other way!

Thank you.
A very Happy Christmas and New Year to you all.
Cheers ((Pouring himself yet another pre-Christmas beverage))

Every thread needs some drift - even this one!


Some years ago, I was on a late evening (9-ish) train home from Waterloo, and the bloke on the seat opposite was having a series of long phone calls to what turned out to be SWT control. Each time he had to tell his story from the start, so I got to hear it too. He'd dropped his credit card down the back of his seat (why he had it out was not clear, as I understood he was going home from Waterloo). This seat was on top an equipment box, rather than just empty space, and he and the guard couldn't get it apart. So he'd been given this phone number to call, and eventually promised a fitter to join the train to help him recover the card. By the time I saw him he'd been out to Reading, back to London, and the fitter was due to be waiting at Staines on the way out. But wasn't there, so he was going to have to go back in towards London again, and he'd been promised that at Staines ...

On the thoroughly pessimistic principle of not wishing for too much from the future, lest the Fickle Fairy of Fate come round and smack you on the head with her (rather solid) wand, my I wish to Graham and everyone else for the coming year is for not too much of that kind of malarkey.

Thank you ... we thrive on some of the malarkey, though I would agree not that kind.  Watch out for interesting goings on in February, April, May, 2 in July ... and others later in the year.

Thank you all for keeping the show on the road. Seasons greetings to all.

Merry Xmas all - here's to a 2019 where GWR give its customers a service somewhat closer to what they pay for and deserve!

Thanks for keeping the show on the road, and a very happy Christmas and blessed new year to all your family.

Thanks for the advent quiz - a lot of work for you, I am sure, but I am enjoying it - even if I am never up in time to claim those that i know.

Way ahead of me there, the few I've been sure of were all wrong  ??? :'(

What a day, one more to Christmas, went to get petrol and then to Sainsburys, crikey it was bedlam, had a job to get into the carpark, then the place was rammed, all the food was flying off the shelves, Then the wait at the checkout, took 10 minutes.

Anyone would think the shops will be closed for more than one day never to reopen the way some people carry on buying way more food than they actually need with half of it ending up in the bin. Yet every year the same thing happens. Still, good for the credit card companies.

Yeah! Good for the credit card companies, I never buy food using a credit card, They are for emergencies, say the fridge breaks or an unusually high gas bill arrives. The reason you,d be paying for food too long, plus interest. My food bill a week is about 45 pounds, and I stick to it now. I have done this for 5 years and have savings of about eight thousand pounds, I am now thinking of getting a new bike next year.

I noticed in Sainsburys the items people had in their trolleys, why would you need 5 loaves of bread, 4 bags of sugar, 2 160 Tetley tea bags. They were a couple with two under 10 kids. They had enough to run a starbucks for a few days, ridiculous.

I paid off my credit cards through the year and capital one and marbles was closed.

People buying everything on the shelves just because it's Christmas is nothing new
However this year I can't help thinking that a lot of them are practicing for brexit!!..

Cannot see what difference that makes, anyway a lot of it will go off by that time. Also seem to have a lot more money this year and especially when you see the BBC 1 News about the numbers still lining up outside foodbanks.

That's very sensible, and while I know a lot of people will say they can't afford not to borrow on credit cards, I do wonder how much of it is "nice to have" spending, rather than "need to have".

Of course, you can put all your day to day spending on a credit card and pay it off in full each month, rather than pay it directly from your bank account. My card gives me 1/2% off all my spend - I expect there are better offers available, but at least I feel I am getting some benefit from using the card.

Your lucky, I didn't get that with the two cards I had, And now have shut them down, They had expensive APR rates, about 39.4%. I have never been offered anything like that, the limits were only 200 pounds so were pretty useless anyway. The marbles one is crap, I had a 300 pound limit on that one,then it was increased to 500, then two months later they sent me a letter saying they were putting up the interest to 49.6% APR so I agreed to pay it off at the old rate then they closed it. Dirty thing to do really.

As do I. One gives me 0.5% cashback, the other 1% in supermarkets and 3% on fuel and train tickets. I rack up a pretty tidy bill over the month, and pay it all off - haven't paid any interest in years. Credit cards are a wonderful servant, but a cruel master.

Way off topic but for my penny worth I use my credit card for almost all of my spending clearing the card each month so incurring no interest at all but if I didn't simple annual interest rate on this card (Capital One) is only 11.140%, one of the lowest on the market. I have had junk mail offering me guaranteed acceptance pre filled in application forms at rates of over 40% APR, Provident Bank and Vanquis CC are the main senders of the said junk mail.

With the recent announcement of the financial regulator intending to curb charges for unauthorised overdrafts which could spell an end to free banking because these unauthorised overdrafts are usually incurred by the less well off.

What the financial regulator needs to do is to curb the interest rates that these high rate credit card issuers apply to the holders of their cards as their rates tend to also not far short of what loan sharks impose.

As I stated above I only had 200 pound one and 500. The capital one was never increased and it stayed the the same for at least 18 months, I got fed up with it and closed it.

That's what I had with marbles, for some reason they wanted to charge more by putting up my rate, so I closed it.

A certain amount on one, a slightly different amount on another, and more than three times one of them on the third. Enough to buy a house in some places.

Yes, you can do what you say in the previous post if you got limits like that, I would do the same if I had been offered those, Mine were only silly petty amounts and were not worth it.

Maybe I suffered as I have to rent, And do not own a home anymore, as  I was renting once. With money in bank then the house prices just rocketed, then too much for me to be able to get a mortgage.

Interesting commentary on credit cards, perhaps slightly off the general mission of the Coffee shop, so I'll revert to follow the initial posting from Grahame and add my thanks to him and all the hard working volunteers who have achieved so much in the past few years. Looking forward to that hourly service on the TransWilts (with double tracking or passing loop).
Happy Christmas one and all.

Thank you; I look forward towards the hourly service, with the infrastructure needed to support it too.  I will leave it to those more expert (including a certain member or two here) to tell and recommend the pros and cons.

With an HS2 track construction facility at Westbury, and stone needed for the line, with earth and boulders from tunnelling headed to fill a quarry near Wilton, with hourly passenger trains, with a continued requirement to divert passengers trains that can't go through Newbury (I would be very interested in how many days this year, on top of the Newbury electrification work, that has happened to at least one train), this must be one of the next candidates to be stepped up.

I am - for once - not joining in on credit cards, credit limits, etc ... this is a public thread and member who have posted may care to reflect on that and amend their posts.  If you have been quoted and want your quote changed, please ask an admin or moderator.   Perhaps a topic - next time stray - for the "and also" board.

pros and cons : Well it will have to be double track throughout then cos we dont want the Trans Wilts line regularly closed  by them pesky broken down freight trains cos with a double track NR will still be able to instigate SLW over the 'clear line' until the errant freight working is rescued.

Do I see a 'like' coming from Grahame.

Almost ... you see not quite a total vote for that, but rather a confirmation that there are serious consideration along that line (or rather, now, along those lines) which I would wish to see explored further.

Another : Doubled throughout would enable a stronger case to be made for a single line reinstatement of Bradford North curve and thus still provide mainline services through Chippenham when Box Tunnel is undergoing surgery. Who knows this might even provoke a demand for services from Melksham to Paddington itself say every two hours or better still a two way loop service Paddington, Reading, Newbury, Bedwyn, Pewsey, Trowbridge, Melksham, Chippenham, Swindon, Didcot, Reading, Paddington and vice versa.

Have I earnt my 'like' now ?

Just popping in on Christmas eve eve evening!
And whilst I'm here would like to wish you all A Very Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Hark, the Herald Chris B sings.........."Oooooooooos gunna pay for it?" 🙂

Don't worry, it wasn't sensitive, and I only intended it to be temporary. Christmas cards and credit cards are such similar concepts in some ways these days!

The wish for the New Year is a tougher cookie. One could be forgiven for thinking that Government has been focused on one topic only these past two years, and it isn't railways. Transport Secretary Grayling finds himself in the crosshairs yet again, this time because of shelving legislation to control drones around airports, despite having had the potential dangers explained to him in words of two or fewer syllables. Not that legislation controls drones particularly well. His mind is unlikely to be on railway matters in the early part of the New Year, if it ever was.

I will see the New Year in at my son's home in Bristol, before driving back to my new base in Devon the following day. Transport in mid-Devon isn't likely to change much in the coming year, but I hope that Bristol gets more of the ruub of the green than it has over the past 40 years.

That said, I doubt it will. As the sadly late Greg Lake put it,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPm6CheT6rs&list=RDJPm6CheT6rs&start_radio=1&t=25 the Christmas we get we deserve.


Cheers guys, have a good one!. And especially  to Graham, without whose unstinting effort and dedication none of this would even be here.

The discussion is far more valuable than just a like.  And in terms of joined up and service frequency, looking forward medium rather than shorter term, I'm happy to speculate with ideas but reluctant to throw any significant weight (not that I have any) behind specifics yet as they need analysis and they and the outcomes may change because of both social change, economic change and operational change across the wider region.

Your "London loop" idea has been mentioned before, and it would give Trowbridge - our county town - as well as Melksham a good service to the capital.   I would add the case for a Westbury call for connectional purposes and to help ensure that first class - if there were any - remained consistently at the same end of the sets.  I would add the cases for Devizes Parkway and Royal Wootton Bassett, and for Hungerford and Kintbury.   But I remain unconvinced that we yet know enough about this option and the future to suggest that it's the best.   Perhaps I should start a "beyond the visible horizons" thread to look at some of the other possibilities, and that will include comment on Bradford North Curve ...

.... and don't forget the clamour for Wantage Grove (Wantage Parkway ?), I omitted Devizes Parkway and Royal Wootton Bassett as I intended to raise the issue of the three locations in a third post that would claim that these three proposed stations would have said loop service in place to justify comment in the business cases for the three suggested stations.

Like now ?

Not until you add - "and electrify the entire route"!

Once Santa and the elves have finished the presents, perhaps they could set up an infrastructure company and deliver this!

Happy Christmas!

Just want to say to Graham and the members involved about credit cards, but somehow it started when being told by other members started putting nice things with their cards, I sadly got very cross at the time, because the companies have never treated me very nice over the past years.

Anyway only 12 more hours to Christmas day, Hope you all have a merry one, Sadly I shall have to manage, I only have my mother and all of you on this forum.

PLUS Allan Tim And Steve on Gloucester station.

We have one, Network Rail.

Festive greetings to one and all from your furry chum! Thanks for all the good work, grahame and the mods.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4f/Sciurus_vulgaris_in_snow_-_Helsinki%2C_Finland.jpg)
Image: Tomi Tapio K from Helsinki, Finland [CC BY-SA 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Just to add my seasonal greetings.   Thankfully the majority of shops are shut now so if we haven't got it, it's too late.

Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas and thanks for all your contributions throughout the year.

Didn't get the chance to enjoy a Pullman meal with member Broadgage during the year so here's a glass of GWR port.  Cheers!

(http://www.mbob.co.uk/rforum/port.jpg)

Seasons greetings from Finn and I.

(http://i598.photobucket.com/albums/tt68/bignosemac/rps20181224_191727_zps6ztygcta.jpg)
(The winter wonderland is actually March 2018)

Happy Christmas to everyone on this forum. Thank you all for making this forum the great place that it is.

Pinned down by the lapdog for the holiday ...

Happy Christmas to everyone

And a merry Christmas and a happy New Year from me, and my eldest, seen luxuriating in Amtrak business class en route to Niagara.

(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4865/32578441948_64453ed630_c.jpg)

Merry Christmas to everyone on the forum once again. I also spare a thought for those who are alone this christmas or are experiancing it without a loved one. Have a good day today.

Happy xmas from all of us in a very damp and foggy Signal Linemans Hut down in the far Southwest.  Now, where are my detonators..... ;D

Damp and foggy, Lovely and sunny and mild here in Gloucester, The only place I know that is damp and foggy, is my kitchen, after the steam and the roasties slightly overcooked.

Why is It, When Yorkshire puddings go cold, they seem to become bullet proof?.

What a lovely little Christmas pudding and brandy sauce, slipped down lovely, nice and hot.

And by the way, noticed there is a Christmas Paddington 24/7 on soon.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Sadly nearly over now, Now just an evening of riveting tv left then to bed.

Had a lovely day, despite I had to spend it on my own, Nice xmas cake and trifle for tea, topped with thick cream, absolutely delicious.

Cake with cream,? How much had you had to imbibe? Still, it's Christmas so what the heck!
Would also hope your definition of cream really means clotted cream and not that horrible imitation stuff called pouring cream  ;D ;D

Whilst clotted cream is indeed the height, I would put in a word for pourable cream (note the deliberate use of another term) - by which I mean the real golden coloured double cream that comes from a traditional dairy rather than the 'horrible imitation stuff', which is hardly off-white that you get in supermarkets. The taste is a world away!

We are fortunate to have a local dairy that processes its own milk from guernsey cows and milk from other local farms to produce traditional milk (not homogenized - so it still has a bit of cream on the top - particularly in the spring), double cream and butter.  It is available in some of the local independent shops around here and in Swindon.


Edited to correct typos

Being from Oop th'North, I find cheese a very nice accompaniment to Christmas cake, preferable a decent extra mature Cheddar or Lancashire. I commend it to the house - try it, and you will probably never eat fruit cake without cheese again.

Wensleydale is the cheese of choice in this house .

With due deference to HMQ; the Pope & the Archbish I won't reopen old wounds of cream first. Peace and love to all in Devon  :) ;D

Christmas Eve turned into something of a specialist cheese convention at my good lady's abode. There might have been a few of us having strange dreams that night!

Any other recommend accompanying cheeses? Not got any of the above left in the house right now.

Edit: Corrected gobbledygook.

It was Sainsburys own thick dairy cream in a blue pot, Just enough for 3 days.

I Might be able sample some of that next year then, as I am thinking of moving to Swindon

With a particularly rich cake, you'd get away with Stilton. WP's choice of Wensleydale is good, but I didn't mention it because I think Wallace and Grommit are on telly later. Soft cheeses don't really do the business in this context, IMHO, and I'm banned from eating Époisses indoors when anyone else is present.

I assume you are referring to blue Stilton?   I am a fan of the white version - without the seasonal additions of apricot or cranberry - just the plain cheese.  That works with cake.

One of my (many) vices is cutting lumps of cheese but then not worrying about the biscuits and just eating them with a nice port...

Cheese and Christmas cake is a good combo, but we don't have any Christmas cake. I'm the only one who likes it! We do however have quite a lot of good cake of various other sorts. And various sorts of cheese.  ;D

A good quality Cheddar is hard to beat.

I currently have a wedge of Wookey Hole Cave Aged Farmhouse on the go. Delicious.

Worth a try with the Stilton then. It's that or the remaining weapons grade soft cheese from Christmas Eve.

I can feel my cholesterol rising just reading all this!  :)

Now heres to a happy new year, Hope 2019 will see more works and new trains on gwr.

New years resolutions?.
---------------------------------------------------
1. Cut down on ready meals.
2. Cut down on wispa choccys for breaks.
3. Get new clothes to replace the old goth and punk ones I have and are worn out.
4. Move to Swindon.
5. Remove some piercings.
6. Update my motorcycle.
7. Ride down Filton bank.
8. Visit Melksham.
9. Plan another journey to paddington.
LASTLY-----
10. Get teeth changed as present ones make breath bad and are knackered.

APPX JULY.


WHERE IS THE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THREAD, CAN,T FIND ONE.

It's true. I tried; I bent my whisk.

Ooh, Matron...

Don't try bashing the Stinking Bishop, then.