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[33] Comedian humiliated for using disabled space on train - BBC Ne...
[33] If Southern Rail ran the Island of Sodor Railway
[29] Bus use by the over 60s
[22] Delays make you happy?
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1  Journey by Journey / London to the West / Re: Comedian humiliated for using disabled space on train - BBC News 17th July 2018 on: Yesterday at 04:35:47 pm
This may seem blindingly obvious, but surely the sheer fact it is called and designated 'the wheelchair space' shows that the wheelchair user takes precedence over everything else.
2  All across the Great Western territory / Buses and other ways to travel / Wessex to close operations in Bristol on: July 20, 2018, 11:54:04 am
Wessex have announced that they are closing their Bristol depot and axing their services. 200 job losses with about 60 transferring to Stagecoach who will take over some routes in North Bristol and South Gloucestershire. I would like to see them start south of the River Avon as well, to shake up the monopoly of First. First are so unimaginative in that they think everyone wants to run in and out of Bristol all day. How about a circular service linking Portishead Clevedon Weston Nailsea and Bristol instead of these current little scrappy routes like the 660 that goes from nowhere to nowhere not very quickly. It was much more useful as a circular route.

Mods: please can this entered as a new topic under 'Buses'
3  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Re: Meet Thomas, the right on tank engine.....from 2009 Daily Telegraph on: July 19, 2018, 07:59:23 pm
Can't help thinking that 'James' is code for 'Jeremy', Emily is Thornberry(of course!) while Abbott and Costello ...whoops, giving my age away...I mean, Butler (not Reg Varney) are the freight wagons !. I leave it to others to suggest who 'Thomas' might be ...Boris maybe with his laydeez laydeez cry.....
4  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Meet Thomas, the right on tank engine.....from 2009 Daily Telegraph on: July 19, 2018, 06:40:17 am
Thomas and James were relaxing in the engine shed. James was not happy. You could tell that because steam was coming out of his funnel.

"I've had it with that Emily," said James. "She just told me to take the rubbish train to the tip. She's a right bossy old boiler."

"Now, now," said Thomas. "I think you'll find that Emily is a fully productive and equal member of the locomotive community. Calling her bossy is to assign her negative gender connotations. She is merely ambitious for a colleague to meet their personal career enhancement targets. As for her longevity, her age is no more than a reflection of the breadth of her experience."

"Maybe," said James. "But she's still a boiler. That's a technical term – you know, for a boiler."

"These days," smiled Thomas, "we prefer to call them steam-propelled, rail-guided utility maintenance vehicles."

Just then, a sizeable man in a top hat approached the engines. "Aha!" said Thomas, "it's the Comfortably Contoured Democratically Elected Locomotive Organisational Directive Co-ordinator. Hello, Comrade."

"Hello, Thomas," said the Comfortably Contoured etc. "I'm very keen for you to demonstrate your initiative and problem-solving skills. So if I gave you a situation, could you supply me with a solution?"

"That sounds very much as if it would meet my individual career-growth schedule," said Thomas.

"Here's the thing: at the station are two coaches full of children waiting to be taken to lessons at a gender sensitivity learning resource centre. But there is no locomotive to pull them. What would you suggest?"

"Mmm," said Thomas. "I know, why doesn't one of us go and pull them?"

"Pull them?" said James. "A couple of girl wagons? You mean, coupling up and that? Cos I'm well up for that…"

"No, I mean forming a fully co-ordinated, problem-solving, initiative-developing equal partnership with two valued colleagues," said Thomas. "And they're not girls, they're female transportation-enhancement operatives."

"Very good, you do that," said the Comfortably Contoured etc. And with that, Thomas chuffed off to the station to find the carriages.

When he got there, Annie and Clarabel were waiting. "What time do you call this?" said Annie. "Yeah, we know what you were doing," added Clarabel. "And I bet you left the seat up, you useless male."

Thomas thanked his colleagues for their concerns about his time-keeping and pulled out of the station.

"Do you know where you're going?" asked Clarabel. "Only you haven't asked anyone."

"Typical man," said Annie. "Hasn't a clue."

"I was hoping that between us – on an equal footing – we could research the direction of travel," said Thomas.

"Yeah, well, wherever it is we want to go, it isn't here," said Annie. "You pulled into the sidings."

Thomas saw his female colleague was right. They were stuck. Luckily, James was chugging along behind.

"Laydeez, laydeez!" he hooted. "Need assistance from your Uncle Jim?" And before they could answer, he had coupled up with Clarabel. Unfortunately, he wasn't strong enough to pull the extra weight, and his wheels began slipping on the rails. Soon, all four were stuck in the sidings.

"Bloody men," seethed Clarabel.

"Only one thing for it," said Annie.

"You mean?" said James.

"Yes," said Clarabel. "Call Emily."

And so they did. Soon Emily appeared and pulled everyone out of the sidings and back on track.

"Shall I take over?" asked Emily.

"I think so," said Clarabel. "We won't get anywhere with useless men in charge."

"OK," said Emily. "And James? While I'm sorting out your mess, could you make sure you take the rubbish out?"

James could only sigh as he and Thomas watched Emily disappear along the track with her new payload.

"You know what this means?" said Thomas.

"Yes," said James, gloomily. "It means we need a new scriptwriter – pronto."

Jim White

5  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Re: Renamed trains on: July 18, 2018, 02:41:12 pm
The Posset Pending !

God knows, we've waited long enough !

'Posset' is an old name for Portishead as appropriated by Wetherspoons in 'The Posset Cup'
6  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Your train delay is delayed due to future delays...written in 2012 !! on: July 16, 2018, 07:12:03 pm
Your train delay is delayed due to future delays
By CRAIG BROWN FOR THE DAILY MAIL

PUBLISHED: 23:45, 11 July 2012 | UPDATED: 23:48, 11 July 2012

   

We apologise for this and for any future apologies. Our onboard dedicated customer service apology team will continue to deliver apologies at frequent intervals throughout the course of your journey with us today.

These apologies are due to circumstances beyond our control. Customers requiring apologies in braille, please apply to your train manager.

Please acquaint yourselves with the safety instructions situated in the head-rest opposite.

Sorry! Our dedicated customer service apology team will continue to deliver apologies throughout the journey

Customers are reminded that the consumption of safety instructions is a health hazard, so please do take care to ensure they are situated at a safe distance from all hot or cold snacks, available from our trolley service.

Customers standing in Coaches A and B are advised that there is still a limited amount of further standing room available in the remaining coaches.

On behalf of our onboard staff, thank you for travelling with us today.

Before embarking on your journey, please ensure you are in current possession of a valid ticket, as a prolonged custodial sentence may offend.

Customers are advised that there is still a limited amount of further standing room available

Customers in possession of Advance SuperSaver or Offpeak Leisurebreak tickets are reminded that they are not permitted for travel on this service, or any other.

Failure to comply with ticket restrictions may result in criminal proceedings.

Please check your ticket before travel, as on closer inspection you will see it is not valid anywhere, at any time.

Discounts do not apply. Tickets are valid only on the date and service shown on your ticket, which is not valid between 00:00 hours and 24:00 hours inclusive.

As part of our ongoing investment programme, we are pleased to announce that this service will be subject to a full range of delays  and cancellations.

All our other lines are operating a good service, so we would respectfully remind customers wishing they had boarded another train that they have only themselves to blame.

We thank you for your customer  co-operation and respectfully remind customers that for your security and comfort a full CCTV service is in operation. So whatever it is you are doing, stop it this minute. 

Customers are respectfully reminded that complaining is an offence.

Customers wishing to board or alight should do so only when a train has arrived at its designated station stop. Passengers attempting to board or alight through closed doors and/or when the train is in motion may be subject to injuries.

Our next station stop will be our next station stop. Those wishing to alight at the previous station stop are reminded that they have just missed it and are consequently no longer in possession of a valid ticket.

Customers are reminded that Coach G is a dedicated quiet carriage.

Inspection: Check your ticket before travel, as you will see it is not valid anywhere, at any time

Those travelling in Coach G are requested to listen to the frequent onboard updates reminding them that Coach G is a dedicated quiet carriage.

A full list of station stops past, present and future will be recited into the quiet carriage in a loud voice at regular intervals.

For their added safety, customers in Coach G will be reminded every few minutes that they are not permitted to employ mobile phones, personal stereos, hammers, nails, squeaky toys, fog horns, loud hailers, trombones, dental drills, whoopee cushions, duck calls, party crackers, machine guns and/or bagpipes.

Customers in Coach G who are attempting to read books or go to sleep are reminded that Coach G is a designated Quiet Zone.

This is another reminder for Customers in Coach G that Coach G is a designated Quiet Zone.

Furthermore, customers in Coach G are reminded that Coach G remains a designated Quiet Zone.

We apologise for further delays. These are caused by further delays.

This is Emma, your customer host. A full range of hot and cold coffees and teas, alcoholic beverages, soft drinks and a choice of snacks, sandwiches, pasties, biscuits, cakes and light meals are available from the buffet. The buffet closed five minutes ago.

You are reminded that armed robbery is a crime.

Customers planning to use the platform stairs at the next station stop are reminded while ascending or descending to ensure they lift their left and right legs in succession or face serious injury.

We apologise for the late arrival of this train. This is due to the late arrival of this train. Due to an earlier incident, all later incidents have been cancelled.

For those travellers wishing to make their connection, the train standing at Platform 6 has just departed. 

Please ensure that you take your personal belongings, cases and parcels with you. May we remind customers travelling with us today that, due to circumstances beyond our control, they will be subject to persecution.
7  All across the Great Western territory / The Wider Picture Overseas / Re: Danish on-train catering on: July 13, 2018, 08:54:14 am
Bet it doesn't sell Danish pastries or serve bacon sandwiches with DANISH in purple ink running all the way through the fat ! Shocked
8  All across the Great Western territory / Who's who on Western railways / Re: Government changes on: July 09, 2018, 10:41:58 am
Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabid Brexiteer !
9  All across the Great Western territory / Who's who on Western railways / Re: Government changes on: July 09, 2018, 10:12:28 am
Yes, Jojo does not seem at all happy at Transport where he stumbles all too often. Perhaps Mrs May may fire off a couple of Johnsons on her own ! Shocked
10  All across the Great Western territory / Who's who on Western railways / Re: Government changes on: July 09, 2018, 09:38:14 am
Informed speculation from Laura Kuennsburg that Grayling will be new Brexit Secretary and Clare Perry who was 'ashamed' to be rail Minister, to replace him as SoS. Might mean that Devizes has a branch line and a station by Christmas ?
11  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Re: Antimacassars - the travelling public demands answers on: July 06, 2018, 07:06:35 pm
So that's what happened to the bagpipe spider that so frightened Tim Brooke-Taylor....
12  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Re: Antimacassars - the travelling public demands answers on: July 05, 2018, 07:28:24 am
I had a Victorian Aunt who was always making these, like samplers, and always bringing them with her on a visit. She was  the sort of person who always ran everyone down and she became known within the family as Aunty Massacre !
13  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Re: Antimacassars - the travelling public demands answers on: July 05, 2018, 12:34:34 am
I think all this summer sunshine has rather gone to the OP's head! 😨
14  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Re: Useful phrases when travelling.... on: July 03, 2018, 12:45:03 pm
I think Gerard Hoffnung would have enjoyed this bon mot taken from his Wikipedia entry

'After leaving Highgate, Hoffnung studied at Hornsey College of Art, but was expelled for his lack of gravity in the life class'
15  Sideshoots - associated subjects / The Lighter Side / Re: Useful phrases when travelling.... on: July 03, 2018, 08:57:35 am
When I read your warning about the postillion my heart leapt in fright ! I fired off a text post haste but forgot about the vagaries of predictive text. It duly arrived saying 'Your post illicit may be struck by lightning...... Grin
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