Assassination attempt foiled by lack of rail service

[whole diary]

[grahame]

From the Rochdale Herald

A Russian assassination team who were tasked with assassinating an ex-spy In Rochdale were foiled by a rail replacement bus service and a strike by Northern Rail.

GMP spokesman, Bill Board said, “The assassins flew into Manchester Airport on a Friday afternoon. They then stayed in a hotel until Sunday morning. The attempted to board a Northern Train to Rochdale but it was cancelled so we have them on CCTV^▸ (Closed Circuit Tele Vision) hanging around after paying 50 quid for a Sandwich in Boots.”

[rogerw]

You just have to read the whole article 

[chuffed]

Not just the article but the whole newspaper ! It is going to be my first read of the morning in future !!

[Timmer]

I thought this one was priceless:
https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/08/29/may-gives-nigerian-prince-sort-code-account-number-and-pin-in-trade-negotiations/

[SandTEngineer]

Please don't post links like that.  I've just had to get my wife to pick me up off the floor.....

[broadgage]

Think of the number of assassinations that may have been prevented by GWRs^▸ (Great Western Railway) cancellations.
Consider the number of attackers who have taken their own poison in despair, whilst awaiting a GWR bus and whose remains now lie undiscovered on Exmoor.

We may never know the full extent of this selfless contribution to national security made by the heroes of GWR.

[Bmblbzzz]

 

[SandTEngineer]

Yes, here is another 'hot off the press' railway related item: https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/08/28/government-that-cant-afford-to-electrify-transpennine-express-announces-plans-for-a-space-program/

The Government has announced a vague and ill thought out plan to start a space program instead of electrifying the TransPennine Express railway line.

A Government spokesman said, “After doing a full audit of the benefits versus the cost of electrifying the TransPennine Express and decided that it’s too costly. It’ll come in at over £100m pounds which is better spent on a space program. We’ll just boost the UK^▸ (United Kingdom) Space Agency spending and launch rockets from Swindon. We’ve obviously discussed this at length in the pub last Friday afternoon and have concluded that it shouldn’t cost more than a couple of million quid extra and think of the benefits.”

Minister Cliff Edge told us, “People keep going on about modernising the railways and possibly running some newer stock. But nobody uses the trains anymore. Or at least I don’t as I’m retired and don’t commute to work. A space program would be great. Plus, I’d get to ponce about in a hard hat looking at space stuff and saying stuff like, cosmic.”

The Government also sought to reassure everyone that the UK is in actual fact a global leader in going into space. Cliff said, “We’re always launching rockets into space and have a well-established infrastructure and engineering base to take on such projects. If we piled up enough chairs on the top of Saddleworth Moor we’d easily get into space.”

It’s understood that the Government announcement for funding a space program will be in the same statement as the one telling everyone they now have to work until they’re 250 years old as the Government can’t afford pensions anymore.