Passengers to pay less for trains that don't turn up

[whole diary]

[JohnM]

Daily Mash: https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/passengers-to-pay-less-for-trains-that-dont-turn-up-2-20260731268290

RAIL firms are set to charge less for non-existent trains, thereby offering better value for services their customers do not receive.

A spokesperson for the Department for Transport hailed a proposed 0.4 per cent cut in the price, saying that if the trend continued then UK^▸ (United Kingdom) rail travel was now a mere 250 years away from being worth the expense.

He said: “This represents an average monthly saving of £1.20, which means you can now buy a newspaper to read while waiting for your veal truck with a sandwich trolley to turn up. Which it won’t.

“To make the fare reduction possible we’ll have to cut back certain luxuries on other trains, like fire extinguishers and brakes. But you’ll get used to hurtling across the country in flaming runaway carriages before you know it.

“We’ll even recoup the cost by jacking up station car parking to £28,000 a second, which will allow Network Rail to confiscate your car as compensation the moment you switch off the engine.”

Commuter Roy Hobbs said: “I spend two hours a day with my nostrils filled with piss going to and from a job that has killed my very soul.

“The prospect of jumping out of a burning train halfway across Blackfriars Bridge while saving 80p a month is the best news I’ve had since my boss was eaten by a shark.”